


Losing the Battle

by fireflydvke



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Healing, Heavy Angst, Personal Growth, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, suicidal korra
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:53:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26155282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireflydvke/pseuds/fireflydvke
Summary: An alternate ending to the finale of Season 1, in which Korra attempts to restart the avatar cycle and doesn't immediately get her bending back after the fight with Amon.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 104





	1. the silently screamed wish

Korra walked through the snow, each step feeling heavier than the last. Her body felt painfully empty. The space that her bending had once occupied was filled with a void. As she came upon the cliff, she gazed at the sun setting on the water in colors that felt more grey than they used to be.

She remembered coming here, only a few months ago, days before she’d escaped to Republic City. It was one of her favorite places to watch the sunset. She used to look out on the water and dream of what was beyond her walled-in life. Dreaming of Republic City, of saving people, of being praised, of beating her opponents like she knew she could.

Or rather, like she thought she could.

A numb tear made its way down her cheek.

_What am I without my bending? If not the Avatar, who am I?_

She let out a shaky breath that resulted in a puff of white, blinking back the tears and looking down at her hands.

_Nothing. I’m nothing now. I’m not special, I’m not important. I can’t save anyone. I can’t help the world. I’m a failure._

_I have no purpose._

Her lips quivered while she tried to hold back the tears in vain.

_Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me that I should restart the cycle._

She took a shaky breath and squeezed her eyes shut, forcing a sad smile to herself. “Maybe this is my destiny.”

Her thoughts swarmed with hopelessness. She tried to imagine living without the other three elements, but knew that she couldn’t be the Avatar with only one.

She was just another girl now. Less than that-- she was the girl who failed everyone, the girl who the world believed in and the same girl that let the world down. The girl who pretended to know who she was but in reality knew nothing of her identity outside of what the world had been telling her since she was born.

 _No_ , she thought. _I know who I am._

_I’m Korra. The first Avatar to give up._

Korra had wanted so badly to be known for her refusal to back down from a fight. For her fierceness, for her willingness to get back up and throw another punch even if she was outnumbered. When she was a kid she’d imagined herself fighting and being a hero that the world deserved. And when she left for Republic City, she’d made it clear that she was ready to be the Avatar.

Some part of her had always known that she’d been lying to herself. She knew that in reality, she was a coward. Afraid of waiting. Afraid of missing an opportunity, even if the opportunity was a bad one. A coward, terrified to keep living in a world where she had no purpose, where she was a failure, too scared to face the fact that she was nothing without her bending.

The world blurred into a watercolor painting. Her expression remained strained as she cried, trembling as she watched the sun slowly inching closer to the horizon.

_At least now I won’t have to worry about letting everyone down again._

Korra didn’t bother looking down. She knew how far it was. And she knew it was too far to survive without her waterbending to catch her at the bottom. She knew the water was far too cold to swim.

Korra knew that she was going to die.

She took several breaths of cold winter air, watching the waves crash, feeling the light on her skin, taking in a few final moments.

She looked up at the sky, whispered a silent apology, and leaned back off of the edge.

Wind whipped around her ears, her body limp as it fell. The fall seemed to drag on and on, seconds stretched into minutes as she looked up at the sky. Memories played over her vision in quick flashes: the excitement of realizing she was the Avatar, crying as a kid when she had to train instead of play, feeling so trapped by the white lotus, the thrill of sneaking away on that ship and seeing Republic City for the first time, fighting with the Fire Ferrets and feeling the satisfaction of winning the fight, the fear that plagued her with Amon, the adrenaline of her fights, the excitement of falling in love for the first time in her life, the way she wanted to pretend that her heart didn’t break a little bit every time someone said something negative to her--

She closed her eyes, a peace washing over her, a smile playing at her lips moments before impact.

Korra felt a force take over her body, moving her to airbend a cushion of air underneath her. She was tossed forcefully over to a nearby patch of ice, where she skidded and rolled through the snow, ending up on her side, her eyes level with the ground as the avatar state left her body.

She laid there in silence for a prolonged moment, her breath shaking as it sunk in that she was still alive. A sob wracked her body. It hadn’t worked. And somehow, that was worse. Her whole body shook as she cried, so desperate to rid herself of her failure, so desperate to let someone else take on her burden.

So desperate to stop existing so that she wouldn’t have to endure the pressure any longer.

But Korra had survived, tears streaming down her cheeks and sobs making their way out of her throat violently. Korra brought her hands to her head, pulling at her hair and gripping it until her ponytail fell out. Everything felt so far away, like nothing mattered, like she was watching the world through a tunnel, the waves crashing in the distance echoing through her mind. She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs, beg the universe to take it all away.

Instead, she laid curled up in the snow, wishing she’d never left for Republic City.


	2. footprints in the snow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the love on the last chapter. I've decided spur-of-the-moment because of how far this idea stretches in my brain that I'm gonna lengthen it. I was reluctant at first because I tend to get excited really fast and never follow up, but I think this time I have enough backbone in the plot that I can continue in this alternate universe. Anyways, on with the chapter!

Everyone sat with sullen expressions in the healing hut. Barely anyone had spoken a word  
since Korra had left the hut over a half an hour ago. Mako stood in the corner, staring at his feet. Tenzin sat with his mother, mumbling about how he had failed Korra. Bolin sat silently on a bench next to Asami.

Asami hated the world.

A bold accusation to make, sure, but all she could see was how cruel it seemed to become as she got older. First her mother’s death, then her father’s obsession with the company, only for him to end up in prison for conspiring with the equalists and becoming what Asami viewed as a monster.

And now, Amon had taken Korra’s bending.

Asami may have never known what it was like to be a bender, but she knew just how much it meant to Korra when she watched her fighting with the Fire Ferrets in the ring. They weren’t close, sure, but Asami had hoped that they could get closer. Mako just seemed to be the wedge between them. Korra hated when Mako was with Asami, and Asami had felt a snake of jealousy when Mako had become so invested in Korra over her.

She hated it. She didn’t hate Mako, not at all-- she just hated that it was a boy preventing Korra and Asami from being closer.

Korra had barely said a word to anyone since she’d arrived at the South Pole, but as far as anyone could tell, Korra wasn’t planning on coming back to Republic City. Not without her bending.

All the more reason for the dead silence in the room that had followed the solemn announcement that Katara, the best healer in the world, could not return Korra to her bending.

Time slugged on, and the longer that Korra failed to return the more worried Asami became. There was a horrible pit in her stomach that she couldn’t decipher. A feeling of stubborn dread that only seemed to grow bigger as the tension in the room grew. She wanted Korra to walk through those doors, or at least to see her walk by through the window, maybe to go to sleep. It was getting darker by the minute, after all.

Something wasn’t right.

Without warning, Asami stood, and all of the eyes in the room locked onto her. “I’m gonna look for Korra,” she said plainly, not allowing any room for question. Luckily, nobody stopped her. She walked out of the hut and into the frozen air, following Naga’s large footprints. As she walked, the feeling in her stomach only grew stronger.

She walked out of the rim of the village, following the tracks for what felt like forever until she finally saw Naga in the distance. With a sigh of relief, she started to shuffle faster through the snow, hoping to convince Korra to come home.

The relief faded when she failed to see Korra atop her beloved polarbear-dog. As she got closer, Naga looked at her, stood up, and ran over to her.

“Woah girl, take it easy,” Asami said, putting her hands up with the hopes that Naga wouldn’t knock her to the ground. “...Where’s Korra?” She asked, giving Naga some scratches and starting to walk again.

The despair in her stomach multiplied when she saw where Korra’s footsteps led.

“Oh my god, oh my god,” she said, walking to the cliffside, peering over it. Her stomach lurched at the height, and twisted even further when she realized that she couldn’t see Korra. “Korra?!” She called, loudly. “I have to get down there,” she said, panic filling her voice at the lack of response.

She made her way along the cliffside, searching with care to not fall down herself. Waves crashed against the ice. The darkness didn’t help either, the ocean was starting to look less like water and more like a vat of splashing ink, the ice slightly more prominent against the waves. She must have called fifteen times without a response. Her voice simply echoed into the void, unheard, unanswered.

Her heart jumped into her throat when she saw the girl, so far down, laying in the snow.

Motionless.

“Oh my god,” she breathed. “KORRA!” She yelled, watching her, trying to stop the tears that started to fill her eyes. She stared, and waited, for one moment.

Two.

She saw her move, only slightly, but it was enough for Asami. “I’M GETTING HELP!” She yelled. “Naga!” She called, then promptly climbed on her back. “Go, Naga,” she said, holding tightly as the animal started to run.

Asami burst through the hut doors, and once again, all of the eyes locked on her.

“Asami? What’s wrong? Where’s Korra?” Mako said.

Asami burst into tears. “I- she- I followed the tracks and-”

“Spit it out!” Mako said.

“Korra tried to kill herself!” Asami said, “I don’t know if- if she’s still alive- she’s at the bottom of a cliff, we have to go-”

Tenzin’s eyes grew wide, Bolin stared in disbelief, Mako’s brows furrowed in the way that he does when he’s worried, and Katara began to cry. Her father’s teeth clenched as he tried to hide his fear.

“Take us to her,” Tenzin said, and Asami promptly turned around and ran out to Naga, hopping onto her back once more.

When they arrived, it was already way darker, and so much harder to see, but at least this time Mako was there with his firebending to bring some light.

“Where is she?” Tonraq said, looking over the edge. “I don’t-” he trailed off, his eyes locked on her. His face grew stone white. “I’m going down there.”

Asami cried. Bolin held her while Mako jumped down with Tenzin and Tonroq, who picked up the Avatar and bent his way back up to the top of the cliff with his daughter in his arms.

Asami looked at the girl: her eyes were open, but she seemed to be looking off in the distance, motionless. “Is she- Is-”

“She’s still alive,” Mako said, holding fire so they could see.

“We have to get her back to Katara.”

~~~

Korra laid in the spirit water, eyes still open, healing spirit water bending around her. Her expression was empty. Asami watched from across the room, her eyes still stinging. She hated seeing Korra like this. Her eyes were open, and she was alive, and yet she hadn’t responded to a single thing anyone had said. What pained her the most was Korra’s eyes: Asami was used to seeing so much fire and passion in them, but her eyes looked so dull and lifeless.

“Well? What’s wrong with her?” Tenzin said, standing next to his mother. “Does she have broken bones? Is she paralyzed? Is she…” Tenzin trailed off.

Katara stopped bending the water. “She is physically healthy, the only injuries I could find were some bruises on her side. How she could have survived a fall like that without a scratch, I don’t know.”

“Well, then, why won’t she respond to us?” Bolin sat in another corner of the room, his leg bouncing with anxiety.

“I’m afraid her injuries are almost all mental. Korra has… Given up.” Katara looked down at the girl, who’s eyes still remained unmoving as she breathed in and out consistently. “I know you can hear us, Korra.”

For the first time, Korra’s expression changed, if only a little. Her eyelids began to twitch from tears that were forming in her eyes, her eyebrows furrowed slightly, and her lips turned slightly down.

“Talk to us, Korra, please,” Mako said, sitting down next to the healing water and reaching for her hand. Asami watched and felt a pang of jealousy, quickly followed by guilt-- all masked by her worried expression.

Korra looked at Mako, then at their interlocked hands, stared for a pregnant moment. Then she looked away, her breath growing shaky as her expression became strained.

“We should give her some space,” Asami blurted. Tenzin and Katara were quick to agree and left the room, followed hesitantly by Bolin. Korra’s father was outside, consoling his wife, who was audibly crying. Mako looked at Asami, then back to Korra, who had returned to her catatonic state.

“Mako.” He looked up at Asami. “Can… Can I have a moment with Korra, please?”

“Asami. I can’t… I can’t leave her like this.”

“Just a few minutes. You can stand outside the door for all I care, I just… Please let me talk to her. Alone.”

Mako thought for a long moment. “Fine.” He kissed Korra’s hand and placed it gently back into the water before standing up and walking out, letting the door swing shut.

Asami stood, several paces away, silently.

She knew she needed to say something but the words just couldn’t seem to form. Instead, she walked over and sat next to Korra where Mako had once been. “Korra, I know we aren’t the best of friends but… I really… I care about you so much.”

Korra looked at Asami, then turned her head slightly in the opposite direction. “You don’t have to pretend to like me, Asami. I’m not the Avatar anymore.”

Asami sat, taken aback by Korra’s words. “Korra…” An urge to grab Korra’s hand in the way Mako had came over her. Asami was almost surprised by it. Instead, she decided to place her hand on Korra’s shoulder softly. “You… You’re not just the Avatar. Not to your parents, not to Mako or Bolin, not to Tenzin, and certainly not to me. You’re so much more than that.”

Korra squeezed her eyes shut. “I’m not.” She deadpanned. “I’m a failure. I was born to be the Avatar, and I can’t fulfill that purpose anymore.”

Asami thought for a moment, guilt filling her stomach. “Is that… Is that why you did it?”

Korra was still for a moment before nodding slightly.

There was nothing, not a single thing in the world, that could have prepared Asami for how she felt in that moment. So terrified of losing her friend, so devastated that she thought all of her worth was placed on how well she could bend the elements and save people.

“I…” Korra started, drifting off, looking Asami in the eyes. The expression in Korra’s eyes had been unreadable until now: disappointment. Korra was disappointed. “I can’t save the world anymore. What if the world needs the Avatar?” Korra looked away again.

“The world needs the Avatar. The world doesn’t need another useless person. They need a hero, and I can’t be that anymore.”

Korra started to cry. She tried to hide it at first, but Asami could see the tears in her eyes. “I can’t be that anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t keep-- I can’t be--” she choked on a sob. “I have to restart the cycle, Asami. I have to.”

Asami felt her stomach twist again. By now she was sure it had done at least twenty somersaults. She had no idea what to say. No idea how to respond to Korra’s confidence in her answer.

“Korra… Killing yourself… Restarting the cycle… It might seem like the answer but it’s not.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because it doesn’t matter what the world thinks. It doesn’t matter that your bending is gone. You still mean so much to everyone around you.” You still mean so much to me.

“Really? Because for as long as I remember I was being told about how it was my destiny to help people, to save the entire goddamn world. That’s it.” Korra snapped, her voice cracking, her expression hardened. A moment passed, and the expression changed to regret as Korra saw Asami beginning to cry.

“Just… Stay for a little while longer, okay?” Asami said quietly, looking away from Korra. “None of us can make that choice for you, but we all want you to stay.” She paused, then turned her head and looked Korra in the eyes.

“I want you to stay.”

Korra didn’t dare to break eye contact. Asami could see the pain in those eyes, so different to the bright eyes that she’d first met in Republic City. Now they were sullen. Dejected. Lost. They sat for one minute. Then two. Then three, neither of them moving or making a sound.

Korra’s breath hitched. “Asami, I-”

A knock at the door, quickly followed by the door opening. “Korra?” Her mother stepped into the room, her father right behind her. Asami could see the tears in her mother’s eyes, her eyelashes still wet from crying. Tonraq was the opposite, maintaining a cold but caring face. Asami knew he was more upset than he was letting on. Her own father had assumed the same face when Asami’s mother had died.

Korra looked over at them, her jaw clenched, trying to fight the tears in her eyes and failing miserably.

Asami stood and walked out of the room to let Korra be alone with her parents.


	3. The Sleepless Night

Korra wanted to sleep. Or die. Or both. 

Either way, she was so, so tired. She didn’t want to have to explain herself. She wasn’t supposed to survive to explain the reasoning. It was supposed to be over now, but instead she was being constantly watched and asked questions and worried about.

She hated it. 

There wasn’t a single thing that Korra hated more than being worried about. When she’d first arrived in Republic City, she hated the restrictions of the White Lotus and Tenzin’s overbearing nature. All she wanted was to explore, to be alone, to do what she wanted without something or someone stopping her.

She couldn’t even kill herself without her previous lives making a decision for her. 

Her father and Tenzin and all of the other people had decided that she was to be on consistent watch. The guard that stood by the door of her room was there to prove it. Korra laid in bed, facing the wall, pretending to be asleep. 

As much as she wanted to sleep, she couldn’t. Not with the guilt looming over her head. Korra truly hadn’t believed she would survive her fall, and surviving it was the worst possible outcome. Because now, Korra had to see how everyone reacted. Korra had to see everyone worrying and crying and watching and she had to answer questions that she didn’t want to and it was just as bad as before. 

Before her father and Katara had left the room, Katara had asked if she was still thinking about restarting the cycle.

Korra had said no. She had said she regretted it. All of these meaningless words came out of her mouth about how sorry she was, when in her mind, all she could think about was finding another way to end it all. 

And that in and of itself made her feel guilty, guilty for ignoring all of the words of her friends and family that said they wanted her here. It made her feel guilty for making her own mother cry, but still wanting to do the very thing that made the tears well. 

But that still didn’t convince her that she was wrong for wanting to end her chapter of the Avatar cycle. She couldn’t save the world like this. Not when she was only an airbender. Not when the world expected so much of her. Not when she was a failure, who couldn’t even capture the guy that took her bending. For all she knew, he was still out there, violently taking bending from people around the world. How was she supposed to stop evil and ‘restore balance’ when all she could do was airbend, and she was still a novice at that?

She still thought it would be easier if someone new became the Avatar. If someone being born right now got the avatar spirit and grew up and saved the world better than Korra could. 

Her whole life she had been taught that her life had one purpose and one purpose alone: ‘keep the world in balance and be the bridge between the spirit and human worlds’ or whatever. Korra hated that. She was a spiritual dunce. A failure there too. 

She squeezed her eyes shut, a tear rolling down the side of her face and onto the cold mattress. 

_Is there anything I can do right?_

She thought back over her time in Republic City. How she’d broken Bolin’s heart. Kissed Mako when he was with Asami. Blown up on Tenzin a thousand times too many. Failed to protect what must have been hundreds of benders who had their talents stolen from them. 

And now Mako loved Korra. He’d said it so certainly, like he was proud of it. Korra wanted to say she loved him too, she’d spent so long liking him without reciprocation that it seemed unlikely that she wouldn’t be thrilled to hear it. 

But it felt wrong to her. 

Like he only loved her because he wanted her to fall into his arms at her worst point. That had to be it. He wanted to be the hero now that she couldn’t be. Mako wanted to be the guy who loved Korra as a charity project.

And at this point, Korra couldn’t even tell if she felt for him anymore. 

Or maybe that was just because she couldn’t feel for anyone. Not Tenzin, not Bolin, not her mom, not her dad, not even Mako.

_What about Asami?_

She swallowed, hard. Asami was so kind to her even though she had been quite literally the biggest asshole to her. Korra thought for a moment.

No, she couldn’t feel for Asami either. 

All she could feel was the weight. It all felt so heavy, like the world was pressing down on her from all sides. Like Korra was in a box, slowly closing in around her. Like the world was on the outside of the box, and everyone who wanted something from her was pressing on it and trying to get to her. 

For what could very well have been the first time in her life, Korra didn’t want to be the Avatar. 

She mulled that thought over in her mind, trying to think of another time that she had disdained her entire identity like this. Ever since she was little she had always been proud of who she was. Excited. 

Korra felt her heart sink in her chest as she realized that she had failed that little girl. 

It seemed like the failures just kept adding up. Korra’s mind went in circles, finding new ways to pick apart every single mistake she’d made. Each one became a reason, a double-edged sword to justify her desire to renew the avatar cycle. She laid in the fetal position for the second time that night in silent agony. 

Korra sat up and looked at the guard in the corner, who looked away when they locked eyes. Getting up and walking to the door, she was stopped by him. “Uh- what are you doing?”

“Getting water.” Korra stood, eyes red and puffy, pretending to be unchanged from her attempt. Harsh. Cold. Persistent. 

“I can’t let you do that alone.”

Korra narrowed her eyes. “I don’t need a babysitter.”

The guard’s eyes shifted with discomfort. She knew the white lotus, and what they dealt with. This wasn’t up the guard’s alley. Part of her almost felt bad for the guy.

“Fine. Come with me then.” The guard raised his eyebrows in slight surprise, opening the door with reluctance and guiding the young girl to the well.

Korra stared at the glass of water in her hand. Somehow it was staring back at her, taunting her, asking her to bend it. Lifting her hand, she tried to focus her waterbending, but it was as futile as trying to move a hand after it had been cut off. No matter how hard she strained, no matter how far she reached into the recesses of her mind, she couldn’t find so much as a sliver of waterbending. 

With a sigh, Korra lifted the glass to her lips and drank. 

~~~

Asami couldn’t sleep.

Her body was physically tired, exhausted, even-- but every time she closed her eyes she saw Korra’s eyes, dejected and cold. Her mind was buzzing with anxiety, images that she’d fabricated of what might have happened had Korra succeeded. 

She was so glad that Korra was alive.

_What would I have even done if she… If I found her dead?_

Asami mulled it over like a smooth stone in her head. She thought about the tracks that she’d followed, and the dread that had filled her stomach when she saw where they ended. Initially, she knew the implications of Korra’s fall, but she hadn’t had any time to think long enough about it. 

Now, the dead silence in the room wore down on her ability to relax. 

She pictured it. Following the rim of the cliff, searching, finding nothing. Riding back on Naga, this time without knowing where she was. Asami imagined Korra’s father waterbending to the bottom of the cliff with Tenzin, searching for the girl in the darkness. She remembered the panic that filled her chest when they brought her up the cliff limp, but there was a slight relief when she saw that Korra was still breathing.

Now, she thought of Tonraq holding his daughter, soaking wet, freezing cold, limp in his arms. 

Dead. 

The thought of that even being a possibility haunted Asami. 

She didn’t know Korra that well, and she knew that. That didn’t mean that Asami didn’t care about her. Deeply. She saw how she affected the world. How much Korra could change it, even more how strong she was. Korra was a good friend, she was so loyal and brave. 

But she was human, just like the rest of them. She made mistakes. She wasn’t all-powerful, or a god, or invincible. 

Asami knew that Korra had forgotten that one too many times. 

And god, how much did Asami want to convince her that she was worth _so much more_ than just what she could do for other people. Asami wondered if anyone had ever made a point to tell her that, or if Korra had truly grown up believing that because she was the Avatar, her only job was to lay down her life for the world. 

Asami couldn’t place why it all upset so goddamn much. It was depressing, sure, but Asami was almost _angry_. Her father may not have been the best, always working and busy and on the telephone, but he made time for her. He made a point to show Asami that he cared for her. And Asami liked to think that she made a point to do the same for the people she cared for. 

There was something so angering about the idea that Korra truly believed to her core that her entire worth was built on her bending, something she never chose but rather was placed on her shoulders by the world who then told her to deal with it. 

Asami laid in bed, trying to shoo away her anxieties and anger, but Korra’s eyes kept making their way back onto her mind. 

~~~ 

_Her veins felt like they were squirming around in her body violently, twisting her arms and legs and forcing her to the ground. Korra grunted and strained to try and remove herself from the grip, but he was too powerful._

_Her breath shortened as the panic set in and her neck was forced backwards, looking up towards the ceiling of the warehouse. “NO!” She cried, trying so hard to move, just_ move _, fuck, no, this can’t be happening--_

_His thumb descended onto her forehead, and she felt his grip grow stronger, stronger, the walls were closing in, and Amon couldn’t take her bending, he couldn’t do this, this wasn’t fair, Korra had to make it out of this--_

_Korra fell to the ground, but before she hit the floor a fist gripped at her throat. Amon held her up by her neck, and watched her struggle for a moment before a long, drawn-out laugh escaped through his mask. “I told you I would destroy you.”_

Korra gasped for breath and sat up in her bed, sweat rolling down her skin. She looked around, scanning the room for the threat that she could feel in her chest. All she found was a guard standing by the doorway, eyeing her with concern. 

They made eye contact for a moment before Korra ripped her eyes away and laid back down in the bed facing the wall, her heart pounding in her throat. She tried to swallow it down, but it didn’t budge, her pulse persistently throbbing behind her eyes. Her breath still shook, catching on every thorn in her thoughts. Barely any time had passed, she knew that. She’d only dozed off for a second, and the nightmare continued. 

Even in sleep, Korra couldn’t find peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update is so short (and so sad, damn), I'm moving today! Still, I wanted to let you guys know I'm thankful for all the kudos and comments you guys have left! Sometimes I feel like I'm a shitty writer and that I'm terrible at conveying what I see in my head through my writing, so I can only hope that this can get close. While I've been packing the last few days I've been basically unable to get this story out of my head, it honestly stretches really far. It's been a while since I've been this inspired and motivated, maybe it's just cuz this is a really good way to vent my emotions haha. Or it could be my hidden manic episode, but we don't talk about that lmfao. Anyways, on the drive to my new home I should have a solid 6 hours of writing time, so I should be able to get ahead on this since next week is my first week of college and I'll probably be more busy. Love you guys! <3 -Fireflydvke


	4. Tension and Release

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I drove 15 hours in the last two days and I'm sooo tired, but regardless when I wasn't the one driving I got lots of writing done so I'm a bit ahead for now! I hope you guys like the next chapter :)

Nobody in the entire house knew how to act. 

Tenzin kept reassuring everyone that it would be alright. Tonraq was dealing with Senna, who seemingly hadn’t stopped crying since the previous night. Mako was almost too quiet, too cold. It was evident that Bolin had cried too, his eyes red and puffy. Asami, for once, didn’t have the heart to fix herself up-- she was a wreck. Jinora kept telling Meelo and Ikki that Korra had been in an accident, but the sadness in her eyes was too obvious for even a child to misread. 

Lin hadn’t been there when Korra went missing. After Korra left, Lin followed suit, back to the home she was staying in. She’d found out far later what had happened, and now stood idly in the corner, a grim look on her face. 

None of them knew what they were waiting for. When the dawn had broken, they all gravitated back to the same hut where they’d waited to see if Katara could fix Korra’s bending the night before. 

After a while, it grew deadly silent again. The kind of quiet that felt like a giant rubber band being stretched thinner and thinner as time ticked on, just  _ waiting  _ for it to snap. And the longer it went without breaking, the more strained the silence felt. 

Then, the baby started to cry. 

Pemma rocked and hushed the infant, but the room let out a sigh of quiet relief. Somber, sure, but the screaming child was better than the uncomfortable and unsurpassable silence. 

Slowly, the wooden door slid open, and Katara stepped out. The same look of disappointment was pressed into the old woman’s wrinkles that had been there the previous night, only this time for a different reason. Katara looked at the group of people, all waiting expectantly. 

Katara sighed. “She’s doing okay. I think it’s best we give her space.” 

Mako raised an eyebrow. “And what are we supposed to do? Just sit and wait around for her to get better?”

Bolin stood up next to his brother, putting a hand on his back. “Mako, calm down. It’s not up to us.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down!” Mako snapped, smacking his brother’s hand off of his shoulder. 

Katara looked to the brothers with a caring sadness in her eyes. “Korra isn’t going to return to Republic City.”

The room went quiet again, this time with a burning question from the words that were still sinking in. Mako’s eyes were wide, in denial, convinced that it wasn’t as final as Katara’s tone had made it out to be. “But Korra loves Republic City-- she wouldn’t do that, she’s got so many friends there.”

“Korra told me that she doesn’t want to. I think it best to respect her wishes to stay here with her family.”

“But… Aren’t we her family too?” Bolin said, pain set into his expression. 

“You’re welcome to stay for as long as you’d like,” Katara said, reassuringly. “But Korra’s not going back.”

~~~

Mako was angry. Maybe that was just his firebender nature, the abrasive and heated way of thinking and acting. But Mako was angry, despite the fact that he couldn’t figure out what exactly he was made at. He’d finally poured out all of his feelings to Korra, who he thought would be so happy to hear it after she’d spent so much time pining after him, only for her to dodge his advances. 

No, that wasn’t what he was mad at. Disappointed, sure, but he wasn’t a  _ total _ asshole.

Korra’s refusal to return to Republic City seemed surprising at first, but when Mako thought about it, he couldn’t blame her. There were parts of the city he’d avoided since his parents had died. They brought back too many painful memories that he didn’t want to relive. Mako doubted it would be any different for Korra. She’d been through too much since she’d come to Republic City, all at once, all too fast. Still, Mako didn’t want to leave her behind, but he had no business in the South Pole. 

Maybe it was at Amon that he was mad at. For daring to take away the Avatar’s bending. For putting Korra in that dark place that had pushed her to do what she’d done. For being so entitled and extreme in his beliefs. For building an entire movement based on a lie that had done nothing but divide the city. 

God, how much Mako wanted to find that son of a bitch and punch him in the throat. 

That must have been it.

Regardless, Mako had gone back to his room for a while to mull it all over. He’d wanted to talk to Korra, but had decided against it. He didn’t know what to say to her. She didn’t seem to want to talk to him. Or anyone. Katara had made it clear that she wanted space, and Mako didn’t want to be the one to defy Korra. 

He could only imagine how she was feeling. 

~~~

Bolin had no idea what to do. He was the comedic relief, he always had been, and he knew that. Now that Mako and him were in this situation, he didn’t know what to say. He almost didn’t want to say anything. He felt like he’d only make things worse. 

He hated feeling alone like this. Normally he’d crack a joke through the pain to get it out in the open, but he knew it would be so wildly inappropriate for him to say anything of the sort. He’d decided to stay quiet. 

Ususally he was one to look on the bright side of things. Find the positive in any situation, try and find a solution, do anything but go to the worst-case-scenario first. This time he wasn’t sure what the positive was. He hated feeling so dark. It wasn’t in his nature. Neither was being quiet. 

“Hey, Bolin.” Bolin turned around and found Mako standing in his doorway. “Mind if I come in?”

“No, not at all, not at all,” Bolin said, stepping away from the window he’d been completely zoning out of. 

Mako closed the door and leaned against it, without saying anything.

“What’s up?” Bolin gave a shaky smile. 

Mako laughed. It was a short laugh, sure, but god, was it a change of pace that both of them needed. “What’s up? That’s your best way of approaching this?”

“Hey, you know me, always just wanting to know what’s up with my big brother. Cuz that’s what I do,” Bolin said, theatrically moving his arms. Regardless of how confident in his words Bolin tried to seem, the nervousness creeped into his demeanor just enough for Mako to see. “But, really, Mako,” Bolin looked his brother in the eye. “How are you doing?”

Mako looked at the ground. “Fine, I guess.” 

“Come on, bro. I know you’re not fine. C’mon.” Bolin sat on his bed and patted the spot next to him, and Mako reluctantly came and sat next to him.

Mako sighed. “I’m not fine. Obviously.”

“No shit,” Bolin said, with that same goofy smile.

“What are we gonna do?” Mako turned his head to look at his brother. He’d spoken so softly, in a way that almost frightened Bolin. The reality of the situation sunk in again, and his smile faded. 

“I don’t know.”

“We can’t just leave Korra.”

“Well, obviously. But…” Bolin looked at his feet. “We can’t just stay here forever.”

“Why can’t we?” Mako chuckled. “I wish it were that simple. Just stay here and live here until Korra gets better.”

Bolin was quiet again. “What if Korra doesn’t get better?”

Mako looked genuinely taken aback, as if he hadn’t thought it through. “She will.”

“You don’t know that,” Bolin stood up. “Maybe Korra will never get better. She might not get her bending back and that could mean she never fully recovers.”

“Well, we can’t just assume she won’t.”

“We can’t just assume she will, either.”

Both of them sat in silence.

“We just have to stick around for a while. For Korra. If she doesn’t want us around…” Bolin swallowed, thinking about how hard it would be to leave, about how much harder it would be to hear Korra tell them that she wanted them gone. “Then we go.”

“Okay,” Mako said in a deadpan, getting up from the bed and walking to the door.

“Mako?” Bolin called after him. “It’s gonna be…” He paused, a lump forming in his throat. “It’s gonna be okay… Right?”

Mako looked at his brother carefully, thinking it over for just long enough for Bolin to know the real answer. “Yeah. It’ll be okay.”

With that, Mako left the room, leaving Bolin alone with his thoughts again.

~~~

A week went by without Korra leaving her room.

She was never alone, the white lotus had made sure of that, but she barely talked. Her parents came in periodically to try and get her to talk, but there was nothing to say. Tenzin and Pemma had left on the seventh day-- Tenzin had so many duties back in Republic City. They had all gone into that room to say goodbye to Korra, and that was one of the only times she’d gotten out of bed. She hugged the airbender kids, Ikki talking and asking questions rapid-fire despite Tenzin’s best efforts to shush her. Pemma and Rohan was next. The baby had looked up at Korra and giggled, reaching for her hair and tapping it like a cat. A hint of a smile played at Korra’s face for only a moment before it disappeared again. 

Tenzin was last. Korra hugged him, and Tenzin could feel her squeeze him a little tighter than usual. “It’s going to be alright, Korra. Whenever you’re ready to return to Republic City, we’re all here for you.”

He felt her breath hitch. “Thank you. And… I’m sorry.” 

That was all she said, waving them all goodbye as they flew away on the sky bison. 

Senna was the next one to come into her room later that day. 

“Honey?” She’d peeked her head through the door. “I’ve got some dinner for you.”

Korra sat on her bed, facing the wall, her legs crossed and her eyes closed. “Thanks, mom.” She said. Senna opened her mouth, then closed it again, setting down the tray of food on the small table and taking the still full plate from that morning. 

Korra took a deep breath as her mother left the room again.

No matter how hard she tried to meditate, she couldn’t focus. Letting out a frustrated groan, she laid back in bed, just waiting for the dull ache of sadness to go away so she could sleep. Her eyes were set deep in their sockets, dark circles dark enough to look like eyeshadow.

She wondered if Mako and Bolin would ever visit. Or if they even cared anymore, now that she wasn’t the same. Part of her wondered if they ever cared at all. 

_ God, I’m being ridiculous. I said I wanted to be left alone.  _

But suddenly, Korra didn’t want to be alone anymore. She almost wanted to call for her mother, but didn’t know what she’d say to her mom. It was almost harder to talk to her mom because her mom knew so much about her. 

_ Then who? _

Bolin? He usually knew how to make her feel better. No, that felt wrong too.

Mako? God, Korra had no idea how to talk to him anymore. What would she even say to him, now that he’d professed his love to her? She didn’t know what she felt anymore, least of all her love-life.

Asami?

Asami.

Asami’s words had been echoing in her head over the last week since she’d spoken them, telling her that she was worth something besides what she could do for the world. And sure, Korra had still been depressed, but those words stopped her from getting up and doing anything about it. 

Korra wanted-- no, Korra  _ needed _ to talk to Asami. She slowly sat up and turned to the door, which she had finally convinced her parents to leave unoccupied after constant reassurance that she wouldn’t do anything stupid. She was lying, of course, she had no idea what she was going to do, but she knew she hated feeling like there were always eyes on her. 

Slowly, Korra’s feet met the ground, and she stood, walking out of her own self-made prison. When she made it out into the main room, Korra watched her parents look up at her. Her father smiled. “You’re up,” he said, relief laced in his voice. 

Korra mustered up a half-assed smile. “Yeah.”

“Do you need something, honey?” Her mother piped in from the kitchen. “Water?”

“No, I uh,” Korra started, swallowing. “I’m just going to talk to someone.”

“Who?” Her father said, trying to sound normal, but Korra could see the way his eyes narrowed slightly and the suspicioin in his voice. 

“Asami.”

The look was gone. “Okay.”

“Stay safe, sweetie,” her mother called after her as Korra left, walking over to the Inn where everyone was staying, mostly used for guests. When Korra was a kid, it was usually only occupied by white lotus members come to check on the young Avatar. She’d never really been in there until now. 

The one-story building felt big, like it was going to swallow her whole. Korra waited for a moment, thinking about turning back and going back into her bed. It was easier there. 

But it was also alone there. 

Korra took a deep breath of the cold winter air and opened the door, making her way down the hallway that felt longer and longer as she went. She made it to the door, and stood there for a moment, then raised her fist to knock.

Just then, the door opened, and both Asami and Korra jumped with surprise. After a moment, Asami smiled. “Korra, I was just going to come see you.”

Korra’s brain went blank. “I- uhm. Really?”

“Yeah. I thought you could use some company. I was gonna bring you some tea. Come on in,” Asami gave the leeway that Korra needed, and she walked in awkwardly. The rooms were pretty big. It was a full apartment, basically. One bedroom, a bathroom, and a cozy living room. They were pre-decorated in a pretty generic way, water-tribe wise. A couple of animal skins, paintings. Nothing all that special. 

Asami had clearly been given some water tribe clothes. Everyone had come here pretty hastily and didn’t have time to pack. Of course, nobody had expected their stay to last this long. Korra didn’t know what to say, standing in the middle of the living room silently. “You uh, look nice in water tribe clothes.”

“Thanks. Senna gave me some.” Asami sat down, then looked up at Korra. “You can sit down if you want,” she said.

Korra sat down, fidgeting with her hands. 

“So… How are you?”

“Fine,” Korra deadpanned out of instinct. She looked at the ground again. 

Asami reached over and grabbed Korra’s hand. 

“Korra… How are you really? You can talk to me.”

Korra felt the tears stinging and wanted to make them stop so badly, but at the same time, she just wanted to get them over with. She’d cried too much, it felt like. She hated feeling weak. “I…” she mustered, with trembling lips. “I don’t know. I-I just… I don’t know, it all feels so hopeless, and I don’t- I don’t know what to do,” the tears poured again. 

“It’s okay, Korra. You don’t have to know what to do.”

“I do, though,” she said, trying to hide her face. “I’m the Avatar, I’m supposed to know what to do, but I can’t even connect with my past lives because they’re probably disappointed in me like everyone else.”

“I’m not disappointed in you, Korra.” Asami squeezed her hand. Korra’s breath hitched. “None of us are. We’re upset that you have to go through what you’re going through. I, for one, am angry. Not at you-- not at all- just at Amon and what he did to you. What he put you through. It’s not your fault that he’s a horrible person.”

“But maybe if I could’ve-”

“Korra,” Asami interrupted, and Korra finally looked her in the eyes. “This is probably going to sting, and I’m… Really sorry, but…” She looked down, then back at Korra. “What’s done is done. You can’t change the past, no matter how much you want to.”

Korra sat, crying, stunned, letting her words sink in. It was true, and she knew that. 

“After I found out my father was an equalist… I was so upset, I kept thinking ‘God, what could I have done to fix it, maybe if I’d talked to him I could have shown him how what he said was wrong,’ but there’s nothing I can do. My father made his choice, and so did Amon. It’s not your fault-- what he did to you. Don’t get me wrong, there isn’t a single thing I wouldn’t do to find that son-of-a-bitch and beat him up. I just… I don’t know, I just want you to know it’s not your fault.”

Korra wanted to believe her. Wanted to feel better instantly. That’s what she’d gone there for, comfort, but the truth was, Korra knew that it would be a long time for her to feel better. Either way, Korra knew it was true, somewhere deep inside of her.

And a switch turned.

After a week of wishing she had died that night, she finally felt regret. Korra didn’t want to start the cycle anymore.

Korra burst into sobs, pulling Asami’s hand and pulling her into a hug. “I’m so sorry,” she said, over and over. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Asami said, holding Korra in her arms as tears started to roll down her cheeks, too, and they stood there, crying together in their grief, for a long while. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I forget to mention this has slight Korrasami tones? Oops ;)


	5. Fabricated Anger

Korra finally started to get out of bed more often after that. 

She still had to be watched if she were to leave the gates. Of course Korra hated it, she hated feeling like a child that needed to be babysat, but she knew why they had to. They didn’t want her to jump again.

The funny part was, now that they were watching her, the more she wanted to do it. Out of spite. Not even to die, she’d airbend herself to safety at the bottom-- voluntarily this time-- and just watch the look on their stupid White Lotus faces. Then again, she knew that was cruel to punish the guard for just doing what he was told. Besides, she didn’t want to go through the hassle of explaining her sick joke to her dad. She didn’t want to see that face he kept making get worse. 

Instead, she rode on Naga, the wind whipping at her ears and finally,  _ finally _ allowing her to crack a smile after nearly three weeks.

It felt just like before all of this, before pro-bending and airbending and muddled feelings and Mako and Bolin and Asami and the equalists, and most importantly before Amon. 

It had only been 4 months since Korra had originally snuck out of those gates and made her way to Republic City. She remembered once, maybe a year or two ago, when Korra had been talking to Katara about how  _ desperately _ she wanted to leave and start saving the world. Katara’s words never felt more true. 

_ “It may seem like a long ways away now, but time moves so quickly once it starts.” _

_ “When what starts?” _

_ “Life.” _

It had felt so free being in Republic City at first. It was all so awe-inspiring and fast-paced that Korra had barely blinked before Amon was taking her bending and it felt like her life was over. 

It still felt like it was over.

The looming question of  _ “What now? _ ” was constantly on Korra’s mind, but for now, she just rode her best friend and felt the frostbite threatening to nip at her ears, trying to forget it all and pretend that everything was fine. 

~~~

Mako didn’t want to leave Korra. That wasn’t it at all. It was just so goddamn cold and he didn’t have a job and needed to get back to Republic City, where he belonged. Besides, Korra hadn’t come to see him at all yet, though her heard Asami and Korra talking in the room next to him almost every day. He saw them going on walks together out of his window. 

Part of Mako resented Korra for not even bothering to come talk to him after everything he said and did. He wanted a response, and she’d hardly given one. The last thing she’d really said to him was that he ‘didn’t need to do her any favors’, and he didn’t really know what that meant. He loved Korra and wanted to be with her, but she must have lost feelings for him. And he hated that. It took him a long time to muster up the courage to be straight up with her, to accept that although she drove him absolutely mad, sometimes it was in a good way. 

Man, he had really hoped that she’d felt the same way about him. 

Guess not. 

Mako stood above his bed, packing up his clothes. His time was up. He wanted to be there for Korra, but she clearly didn’t want him there. 

The door opened behind him. “Mako? What’re you doing bro?”

Bolin raised his eyebrow, looked at Mako’s bed, then back to Mako, who was avoiding eye contact. Then back at the bed. Then back to Mako.

“Mako? It’s only been 3 weeks, I thought… I thought we were gonna stay longer.”

Mako closed his eyes and let out a sigh. “Has Korra come to talk to you?”

“Well, no, but-”

“Korra doesn’t want us here, Bolin. It’s time we leave.”

“You didn’t let me finish,” Bolin walked over to Mako. “ _ I _ went to see Korra. In her room.”

Mako furrowed his brow and looked at Bolin. “Didn’t she say she wanted to be left alone?”

“Mako, you never really were good with words, were you? Just because she wanted space doesn’t mean she wanted it for  _ two whole weeks _ . I went and talked to her a few days ago. She’s doing--”

“I don’t care how she’s doing.” Mako’s expression changed to ice, and Bolin’s changed to secondhand hurt. 

“How could you say that? I thought you loved her.”

“Not anymore. You can stay here for as long as you want but I know when I’m not wanted.”

Bolin’s face somehow looked more hurt, like a kicked puppy, eyes wide, brows tilted, mouth slightly ajar with surprise at the harshness of Mako’s words. 

“Mako, maybe you should just go talk to her. Please. I don’t want you to think she doesn’t care about you.”

“She doesn’t.”

“Please, just go for me?”

Mako opened his mouth, then made eye contact with Bolin’s pleading eyes and let out a sigh. “Fine.”

~~~

There was a knock at Korra’s door in the mid-afternoon. 

Korra opened her eyes and moved from her meditating position. “Who is it?”

A pause. 

“It’s Mako.”

Korra blinked in surprise. She didn’t expect him to visit. Part of her had a gut feeling that he was gonna just leave without saying goodbye.

“Uh-- come in,” she said, and the door promptly opened up, and there he was, standing awkwardly in the doorway. 

Both of them were silent for a prolonged amount of time, sort of just staring at each other. 

“You can sit down, uh, if you want,” Korra said, pointing to the chair in her room. 

“Uh- yeah, sure.” He said, face turned cold as he went to sit down.

“So… What have you been up to?”

Mako blinked. “Uh. Not really anything. It’s too cold here.”

Korra half-laughed. “Ha. Firebenders.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Mako said, on the defensive.

Korra put her hands up. “Woah, I’m just joking, Mako. Firebenders don’t like the cold. Most of them, anyway.”

Mako’s face reddened. “...Oh.”

It was quiet again.

Korra swallowed, then took a breath and spoke. “What are you doing here?”

Mako scoffed. “You never came to see me, so I thought I’d come see you.”

Korra’s eyebrows raised with hurt. “Mako, listen, I meant to come see you. I just…”

“Forgot?” Mako said. “Just like I thought.”

“No, that’s not it, Mako, I promise, it was just… Hard to see you. After… Yeah.”

“After I professed my love for you?” 

Korra laughed painfully. “God, Mako, is everything always about you?” Mako glared, then looked at the ground while Korra continued. “I literally tried to kill myself and all you care about is yourself. This is why I didn’t want to come see you, because I knew you’d be weird about it.”

Mako closed his eyes. “Well?”

“Well? Well  _ what _ ?”

“Well, do you even feel anything for me anymore?”

Korra’s eyes softened. “Of course I do. Mako, that’s not what I meant when I said-”

“When you told me that I didn’t have to do you any favors? What else could that mean?”

“It means that I don’t think anybody really cares about me! Okay? I don’t understand why you would want to love me now that…” She trailed off, then looked up and met eyes with Mako.

“Of course I care about you, Mako. I always have. That never changed.”

“Then what  _ did _ change?” Mako said, finally softening his tone.

Korra paused, biting the inside of her lip, mulling it over in her head. “As much as I like you, I don’t think… I don’t think we would be good together.”

“What do you mean? We’d be great together.”

“Why do you think that, Mako? This conversation just proves my point-- we butt heads too much for this to be a good relationship. A good relationship is kind, and understanding, and--”

“What, like you’ve figured out what a good relationship is like?! You’ve never actually dated someone in your whole life!”

Korra glared. “I don’t need to to know that we are both too stubborn, or that you came into my room just to ask about a relationship with me. I don’t need to have dated a million people to figure out that you and I don’t work as a couple. I don’t  _ need _ to have been in a relationship to spot that this-- us-- doesn’t work. And I  _ certainly _ don’t need to have dated someone to figure out that if you actually cared about me, this relationship wouldn’t be what you were asking me about right now.”

Mako thought about it, trying to keep his stubborn expression. But she was right. He knew she was right, and he was wrong, but he  _ hated _ being wrong. He wanted this to work out, but it all became clear at once that his attraction romantically to her was mostly skin-deep. He was attracted to her, sure, but he knew that their personalities didn’t match.

“I’m leaving.”

Korra had sat expectantly, waiting for a response. 

That clearly wasn’t the right one. Korra’s shoulders slumped slightly. “Fine.”

Mako got up and left Korra to her own devices, and the moment he did, the tears came, and wouldn’t go away no matter how hard she tried. Of all the ways she’d imagined that encounter, this had to be one of the worst ones. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry it's short! Thank you for everyone leaving kudos, I hope you continue to enjoy this work as I keep going with it. I planned for this chapter to be longer but this week is gonna be super busy and I don't know when the next chance I'll have to write will be. It's especially hard because my roommate goes to bed at 9:00 and my best and fastest volume of work is able to be done when I'm tired (like 11-3am).   
> Another note: Stay safe. With everything happening, covid, protests, and especially the chaotic and intense wildfires that are surging throughout Oregon, Colorado, and California, I'm asking you to do what you can to protect yourself. Remember to drink lots of water, eat something today, brush your teeth and take a shower. These are tough times, but you can make it, I believe in you <3


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